The August sky will then bare witness
To a brand new chapter with torn up pages
When the planets align, I can feel the gates opening
To my courage
As I proceed to run my fingers through her hair
And forget everyone who’s jaded, ’cause they don’t matter
And I don’t care
No, ’cause they don’t matter
And I don’t care

– The Night Will Go As Follows The Spill Canvas

The time I’m with you splits my decision up. Part of me understands that you are way too young for me. And the other part wants you more and more. I’m leaving soon and you won’t be around for long after I return.  If you go to the beach with us it’ll be hard. But it’ll either make or break us. Maybe I’ll find someone to steal my heart while I’m gone. We can only hope.

As time comes nearer for me to leave, it hits me as to how much I really don’t want to go. I know all the reasons I should (money, people, something to do) and then I know all the reasons I want to stay (people). But maybe this one will be different. I’ve aleady given up on my hope of moving away so theoretically this is my last chance at a boy until after I graduate in the fall. I don’t mind being alone — just sometimes it really sucks..

I haven’t read anything much lately, I’ve been bogged down with school and now I’m concerned with doing what I need to get done. I have discovered new bands who are slowly getting my love.

There is never enough money or time for everything. Money would be nice, but time would be better. (another reason I’m going).

I always wonder if my life would have been different. But I’m happy that it is not. I like who I am even if you don’t. I like who I am becoming even if you disapprove. I’m the only one of my siblings who is gonna make anything of themselves so deal with it. I’m not you and I’m never going to be you no matter how much you try to make me.

Oh when I look back now
That summer seemed to last forever
And if I had the choice
Ya – I’d always wanna be there
Those were the best days of my life

– Bryan Adams Summer of ‘69

I don’t want to be this kid. Who looks back and wonders “what happened to all that time” or “what did I do with my life.” But it seems to be my destiny. I hope that the next year of my life brings more than this one did.

Everytime I hear Summer of 69 I’ll think of you. I’ll remember that feeling of sitting in the car and singing it with you at the top of my lungs and playing silly card games the whole way home and wishing that that day never had to end. Maybe things will change this May, and maybe not. Who knows but God. I just wish I could see down the road and what our relationships are to each other’s lives. Eh. You’ll probably go off to college and find someone and I’ll just stay here wishing and wondering.

I know I should be writing papers but I don’t want to. I should be doing a lot of things but I resist. I just want it all to be over. I want to be an adult and have a real life and I want to know how it is all gonna play out. But I guess thats the point of growing up, making mistakes and learning and growing.  I know that I need to pull my act together but I just wanna goof off and be the teenager that I never got to be. I have too much fun just sitting around the house and playing games and doing nothing with my time.

I saw you two having sex Saturday night. No worries, I was angry but now I understand. I still don’t think that you will make it in the long run, or atleast I hope not cause I really don’t like him most of the time. I want your happiness. Once you start school again maybe you’ll realize how different you are from him. I just don’t think if yall fight as much as you do now in the future that you will be very happy..

I’m dying to know
do you do you like dreaming of things
so impossible or only the practical
or ever the wild or waiting through all your bad bad days
just to end them with
someone you care about
and do you like making out
and long drives and brown eyes
and guys that just
don’t quite fit in

– DC So Impossible

Some times I imagine that the way you seem to look at me and I think I see it. The smallest flicker of passion towards me. I think in my head “really we are just delaying what is gonna play out, we are just too investest in each other’s lives to walk away.” Then I reconsider and come to my senses. I have the strongest desire just to reach out and touch you but I know how these things have played out before and keep my wandering hands to myself. I know all the reasons why it should be you but all the other reasons sound better to me. You were missed tonight, mostly by me, hopefully soon I will see thee.

I should be learning more of the french that I’m gonna be tested on tomorrow, but I cannot concentrate. I just wanna read my book and hide away. I don’t wanna go to class, either of mine, tomorrow. Someday I will be teaching the class and I hope to look forward to those classes.

I know what I want to do, I know what I need to do, and I know what everyone else wants me to do. How can a people pleaser please everyone, including herself? Do I stay or do I go? How do I tell everyone that I’m going regardless. I just want to be independent and my own person before I have to go be a part of the big scary world. I wish I could cut my cords easier.

I’ve started a new book, Extras. If you’ve never read the Uglies, Pretties, Specials series then you totally should. They are really good books. I couldn’t put them down and finished them in a weekend… all of them. So far so good. Next on my list is Twlight and I get to see what the whole edward cullen thing is about.

I need a good dashboard concert to make my life happier. But Panic[!] is soon so that’ll do.

Oh, life is bigger
It’s bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I’ve said too much
I set it up

– R.E.M Losing My Religion

It is fitting that today it was raining. Today was the day that I lost all faith in humanity. Simple things that should be delt with simply were simply not delt with at all. Lies surfaced and sides were chosen. I ended up on the happy side. I will come out on the other side with everything in tact. Just with a little less money.

I finished a book. Forever In Blue to be exact. It was disappointing. Not that it did not make my heart smile with the lesson at the end about being together was the more important thing. The disappointing fact was that straight laced, level headed Lena had sex with a boy that she had known less than three months. When did this become okay? I understand that things like this happen everyday, but these books are read by impressionable teenage girls. Tibby also sleeps with Brian but her experience shows a somewhat realistic side to it all. She fears that she might be pregnant and alienates Brian and herself from her friends. Carmen taught us all that we must be who we were ment to be no matter how invisible we feel to other people. Bee taught us it is okay to kiss a married man and not tell your boyfriend about it. But she also taught the deeper lesson of sticking to family no matter what, which was a lesson I needed in particular.

I’m going to stay with my mom tomorrow for a couple of days. I don’t want to. I feel less and less genetically linked to her everytime she speaks. She needs to learn to be my mother before she can be my friend.

I don’t know if I need to move. If I do, I’ll lose my friends in some form or fashion but who is to know what I’ll gain from it all.

I hate that its Saturday night, I’m 21, and I spent the whole night with my aunt and grandmother watching August Rush.

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